So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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