did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She's not a foreskin expert like you
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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