i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
