Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
