I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
