Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
