I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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