Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
