Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
