I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
