Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think I won the penis lottery.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
