so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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