so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
