Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
