I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im six kinds of drunk right now
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Your cock deserves a montage
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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