As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
