The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
