so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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