I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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