Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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