So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
