I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
