Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
