You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
