I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you win again, gameday.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
