I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
