Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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