I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
