I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
