shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
