I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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