Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
