my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
