I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
