Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
