I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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