just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
