Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
