I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
