If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
