If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
