I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
