I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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