mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
