I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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