Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
