Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
