Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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