good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
