i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
