it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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