my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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